Village Pastoral
*
Here is the latest revision, using enjambment:
*
Each morn, sun’s rise, she passes a dog, long dead,
bloated, rotting roadside; its sick stench,
maggot’s perfume, cause ripe wretching and swoon.
She prays for rain to wash it all away.
*
Town’s well; wives talk, pails rise, smiles fall, eyes slip
to blued finger dots down Ruth’s pale thin arm.
Sunrise stumbles down mud encrusted streets
while eggs and pork sizzle in a cast iron pan.
*
Water, boiled with ash, dries the croup — and tears that
climbed the hill with six still, pine boxes; she knows
he dreams while blasting seams, of sons to carry
on; his grimed face at day’s end holds tired hope.
*
We sailed from hell, starved, full of sin, but glad
Sunday reminds us, stained souls, contrite, are cleaned.
++++++++++++++++++++++
This was before adding enjambment:
Coming, going each morn, each afternoon
Dead dog, rancid, bloated on the roadside
Sick stench, like rosebud’s perfume, makes me swoon.
Praying for rain, float on, unwelcome hide
*
Courtyard’s well, where villagers’ buckets meet
Counting bruises on Mrs. Leary’s arms
Sunrise stumbles down mud encrusted streets
Fried eggs, bacon grease, tea, good wife’s best charms
*
Boiled water and lye keep the croup at bay
Six still, pine boxes upon Chapel Hill
Grimy from the mines, washes smudge away
Please give us a son, finds strength to thrust still
*
Our journey from hell to new hills of green
Sunday service reminds, souls are made clean
Lona, your feedback makes me feel better about them in that there is a hope that the feelings were expressed clearly enough to be understood. Your articulating ability is appreciated very much! Thank you for your time in looking at them ❤
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I got on the sonnet trail late, but glad I did, was worth it just to meet this family. Thanks Jade 🙋🏻♀️
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I’m finding it hard to comment on the form, because the content is so powerful. I think that both pieces are strong – and very moving. I didn’t need more explanation – a poem isn’t necessarily a complete story, for me, sometimes it can be a series of images to be pieced together. I thought the volta was strong enough in the first piece, and I liked the full rhyme there. In the second piece the rhyme wasn’t quite strong enough, and I felt it drifted a little bit too far from the form. I’m not sure that matters, in some ways, because it’s such an evocative piece in its own right.
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Oh – and I love the title, and how you subvert it.
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Thank you! I thought of how painters often paint idyllic scenes of these places and I wanted to travel under the facade.
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Somehow the first version’s starkness speaks more to me, but both have memorable images that create a whole lifetime. (K)
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Thank you and I appreciate your feedback, K.
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A complex, deep poem for sure – yet I believe I ‘got’ it and that it needs no further explanation. I like both versions; perhaps yet another rewrite with the best features of each would be better still? Enjambment is not a requirement, it was a suggested in order to get away from too much of a ‘sing-song’ effect; but enjambment too can be forced (just as rhyming can) to the detriment of a poem.
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Rosemary, I very much appreciate your feedback. I haven’t looked at them since the revision, but I may try to synthesize them and see what happens. Again, thank you 🙂
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Actually, re-reading, I do think, as others have said, that your revised version flows much better.
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Thanks Rosemary!
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