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Carpe Diem #1691 Troiku Month (20) The Snow Of Yesterday

Chevrefeuilles is the host of Carpe Diem and asks us to use the following haiku by Gozan to create a Troiku.


the snow of yesterday
that fell like cherry blossoms
is water once again

© Gozan (1789)

the snow of yesterday
waters new seedlings today —
tomorrow’s juices

that fell like cherry blossoms
faint as butterfly kisses
on my fevered brow

is water once again
eyes cracked winter’s black ice
melt in your sun gaze

 

 

Please note that this is my first attempt at a Troiku.  Any constructive criticism is welcomed and encouraged.  I don’t get better if I keep making the same mistakes over and over.  Also, for Troiku, do each of the 3 lines from the original have to remain in their original positions in the haiku?  I.E.  line 1 in the original must remain line 1 in the first haiku of the troiku?

21 thoughts on “Carpe Diem #1691 Troiku Month (20) The Snow Of Yesterday

  1. great job for a first time troiku!

    (you can read more about Troiku@ the CDHK site – just check the side bar or top tabs for it)

    and yes, in Troiku – each line of the original haiku becomes the Troiku’s first line – in succession – 🙂
    i.e. haiku line 1 = Troiku line 1
    haiku line 2 = Troiku line 1
    haiku line 3 – Troiku line 1

    (basically, from a haiku, as starting point, you are “creating” 3 new haiku, called “troiku”

    some are “easier” than others – it depends on the “tense” of the original haiku – so sometimes, when playing around and constructing, it doesn’t necessarily make alot of sense – but the it’s still fun – LOL –

    I really like your opening lines on the troiku – what a beautiful image – snow as nourishment … how lovely 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Wild Child, *thank you* for your comment. It helps. Question: are the 3 haiku supposed to be a unified theme, or can they to their own separate ways? Mine went their separate ways (as much as they could with the original lines anchoring them.)

    Liked by 1 person

  3. according to Chèvrefeuille, who created the Troiku – the 3 can be independent of the others, or can be linked, by a thread (of a story) – it’s as you wish or as it happens, 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I try for “flow,” but as pointed out in another comment, that is left to the poet. There are times when the lines in the original haiku leave you scratching your head when it comes to unifying your troiku stanzas.

    Liked by 3 people

  5. These all are good points – as well as your note below about unifying.
    I’ll add that Kristjaan is flexible when it comes to the syllable count of your new lines in the troiku, as seen in the examples he provides in the troiku link. If he wants a strict adherence to that in any prompt, he’ll state so.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Thank you, Ken. And thank you for the additional info on troiku. I’ve been reading yours for a bit and have liked how they turned out. I will keep on eye on Kristjaan’s prompt guidelines.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I have seen haiku where it appears to be one phrase from start to finish. I suppose it’s a personal choice. If I have a haiku that seems to have one line running into another, it likely would be because I thought each line still could stand alone.

    Liked by 1 person

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