The poet, standing crowned with laurel, leaning on a stone, by
Jusepe de Ribera (called Lo Spagnoletto)
The Poet is an experiment of sorts. I’ve written it in three different versions. The first version is where the reader speaks of the poet in third person. The second version is the reader addressing the poet directly. The third version is from the perspective of the poet.
Bjorn inspired me today when he talked about going to the dark places and injecting a bit of fear into the work in certain instances. I’m very open to anyone’s thoughts/feedback about it. Please be 100% honest as it helps me grow as a poet. Thank you for reading.
The form is a rubaiyat of 8 syllables per line.
The Poet
I.
To think it took but once in June
to read his work and then to swoon.
He drew his prose with skill and care
like Eros drawing down the moon.
*
I must resist his words so fair
and ride instead the golden mare
to places calm on peaceful shore
not heights nor depths, emotions fare.
*
In dreams, his flames they burn me more,
his lines like whips they flail me sore,
his voltas sear along my spine
as lightning on the tree does score.
*
She reads; he reaches in the brine
of salt that’s dark within the mine.
He dangles nooses from the peaks
the puppet master from his shrine.
*
II.
To think it took but once in June
to read your work and then I swooned.
You drew your prose with skill and care
like Eros drawing down the moon.
*
I must resist your words so fair
and ride instead the golden mare
to places calm on peaceful shore
not heights nor depths, emotions fare.
*
In dreams, your flames they burn me more,
your lines like whips they flail me sore,
your voltas sear along my spine
as lightning on the tree does score.
*
I read, you reach into the brine
of salt that’s dark within the mine.
You dangle nooses from the peaks
the puppet master from your shrine.
*
III.
To think it took but once in June
you read my work and then you swooned.
I drew my prose with skill and care
like Venus drawing down the moon.
*
You must resist my words so fair
and ride instead the golden mare
to places calm on peaceful shore
not heights nor depths, emotions fare.
*
In dreams, my flames they burn you more,
my lines like whips they flail you sore,
my voltas sear along your spine
as lightning on the tree does score.
*
You read, I reach into the brine
of salt that’s dark within your mine.
I dangle nooses from the peaks
the puppet master from my shrine.
Tao Talk 
This is brilliant. I am no poet nor a critic but all subtle variations, from different perspective are amazing.
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Sadje, thank you for your kind words.
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My pleasure.
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I like the last one best, but that’s because I like personal depth of creation; the second one is almost as good – but you have to consider that I know not of the rhythm of poetry or magic, as you do!
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Cage, thank you for your comment, and I am a toddler stumbling along with poetry. At dVerse am learning so much.
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Not a form expert, by any means but I think this is stunning work. I definitely prefer the second one as it feels more intimate in relationship and voice. Just my opinion.
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Thank you very much for the feedback, Mish.
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This is lovely Li. If I have to pick a favourite, it would be the last one.
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Thank you, Punam, so glad you connected with it!
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You are welcome. ❤️
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I would’ve liked, in the different voices, the content change accordingly. For instance, when the poet is addressed directly by the reader, I imagined I’d find questions and/or criticism of his work and when the poet speaks, the content would change again, him speaking his mind to the single reader.
Apart from that, the metre worked out wonderfully. The first quatrain, with Eros drawing down the moon made me gasp. So with the golden mare, the voltas searing, the brine from the mine and the nooses from the peaks – brilliant stuff!
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Petru, thank you very much for the feedback. I will take a look at them again in the light of it. Glad you like some of the descriptors :)
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Strong stuff you wrote!
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Thank you, I was feeling strong stuff when I wrote it.
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I do love the idea with the same story told in three perspectives and I can clearly see a difference in how I react to it… the last with the poet being the tormentor is in itself quite different from the reader accepting it.
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Thank you, Bjorn. I was hoping it would be the effect.
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These are all good, all subtly different. I can see what Petru means but that would mean a different poem each time. The final version works best for me, though I don’t know why. Maybe because it feels more intimate.
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Thank you, Jane, I really was hoping to illustrate how the poem changes for each, depending on whose perspective it is coming from. I’m trying to extend it via Petru’s feedback. We’ll see where it goes!
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It does change, but it’s subtle. I’m interested to see where this one goes.
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:)
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Like Bjorn, and others, you are masterfully reworking an older poem, giving me the strong sense of a work in real progress. I prefer the last stanza.
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Thank you, Glenn.
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a most creative approach to the prompt, your form is excellent to me, rhyme and meter so precise. i also liked the sound of the different voices, you modified and modulated those really well they were a contrast with each other. there is another poetry form coming soon which I strongly feel you can apply this same technique with more impact. Well done Jade, being brave has amazing rewards.
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Thank you so much, Gina! Can’t wait to see what the next form is :)
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Li, very fine work. The meter is excellent and I loved the use of mythical and mystical descriptions like salt and brine, drawing down the moon, and such luscious yet painful words such as scored. Perhaps some new content in each just to try to hit a different depth from each perspective. As we all suffer and long differently. And I thought the poet concept is brilliant!😊
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Jordy thank you very much for your feedback! I’m thinking on some other suggestions for tweaks and will add yours to the mix. I appreciate your eye on this :)
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Thank you, Li. Lovely work!😊
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I loved the immediacy of II and III better than the more distanced I. Number II seemed to me to work best of all; it seems a bit odd for someone to exhort another as in III to such extremes, whereas II recounts all that as lived experience, which one might naturally seek to describe.
The phrase ‘tree does score’ I find jarring in every version – the ‘does’ so obviously inserted to make up the syllable count and keep to the rhythm. But we don’t talk like that, ever, these days, so it sounds clumsy and contrived. Is there a different way to say that, while still keeping the rhyme and metre?
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Thank you very much for reading them and for the very constructive feedback. It is appreciated and will be revisiting them before the 4 weeks is up.
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Nice set of three poems from three perspectives. I like the sound.
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Thank you, Frank.
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“Like Eros drawing down the moon”–what a great image.
Reading the 3 versions is like walking around a sculpture. Each view is the same, and yet not at all. (K)
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<3 so happy they connected with you. i see it that way also
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All three are excellent. My favorite is the third.
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Thank you, Ken, glad you liked them.
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I like all 3 versions from different perspectives. Really enjoyed the rhyming verses.
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Thank you, Grace. Glad you enjoyed them.
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