dVerse — Pantoum — Eternal Moment

sleeping maiden

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Update 3/3/19:  I’ve edited the poem.  Here is the first revision of it.  You will notice I found the druid equivalent of qi (thank you to Sabio for pointing out the “new age soup”) where pronunciation is included within, and definition of the word follows, the poem.

First revision:

Day spent whiling away the endless hours
My hand in yours, you turn and smile at me
Walking slowly through the yellow flowers
Lovers drawn on through an earthbound sea

My hand in yours, you turn and smile at me
Nywfre (noo -IV-rah) hums with the drone of bees
Lovers drawn on through an earthbound sea
Travelers on our path to the druid tree

Nywfre (noo -IV-rah) hums with the drone of bees
The tree waits ‘neath a sky of blue,
Travelers on our path to the druid tree
Our calling pure, our hearts beat true

The tree waits ‘neath a sky of blue,
With a lasting promise for our love
Our calling pure, our hearts beat true
We, beneath its bough, in which rests a dove

With a lasting promise for our love
Alas, lightning strikes, destroys the tree,
We, beneath, away flies the dove
Our now doused sparks are lifeless debris

So long ago, still fresh these ghosts I see
Walking slowly through the field of yellow flowers
My hand in yours, you turn and smile at me
Life spent remembering those precious hours

Nywfre (noo -IV-rah) — the spark of life. The ancient Druids worked with Nywfre, the divine spark, the energy of life, the spirit in things, the creative inspiration flowing through all living beings.

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Top of original post:

Gina is the host of dVerse this evening and is introducing the pantoum form, where we will write pantoum for a month, where the best examples may find themselves in a book of poetry basics in the works.  This is the 3rd form we’ve done in as many months, the first two being sonnet and rubaiyat.

Here is my first attempt at a pantoum form poem.

Days spent whiling away the endless hours
My hand in yours, you turn and smile at me
Walking slowly through the field of yellow flowers
Chauncey jumps alongside, full of glee

My hand in yours, you turn and smile at me
A sea of bees drone low with the hum of our qi
Chauncey jumps alongside us, full of glee
Travelers heading on our paths to the druid tree

A sea of bees drone low with the hum of our qi
It waits beneath a sky of infinite blue,
Travelers heading on our paths to the druid tree
For wings that are sure and hearts that beat true

It waits beneath a sky of infinite blue,
With hollows for the honey and a promise for our love
For wings that are sure and hearts that beat true
Ourselves beneath its bough, in which rests a dove

With hollows for the honey and a promise for our love
Lightning strikes, destroys the tree, from top down to its roots
We, beneath its mighty bough; away flies the dove
Our union crushed, Chauncey lies dying in the soot

So long ago, still fresh remain these ghosts I see
Walking slowly through the field of yellow flowers
My hand in yours, the bees, Chauncey jumping; you turn and smile at me
Life spent whiling away the endless hours

This is about a shining moment of two people in love, where one is trapped in the moment after the relationship ends. This is a work of fiction. The field of yellow flowers was from a scene I saw in a movie last night, “Bad Times at the Hotel El Royale”. There are elements of truth in it.

The druid tree is, per Ireland Calling: “The Celtic tree of Life is often drawn showing the branches reaching skyward and the roots spreading out into the earth below symboli[z]ing the Druid belief in the link between heaven and earth. Trees were an important aspect of Celtic Culture. They provided shelter and food, and warmth through fire wood.

It is an “imperfect pantoum” as the 2nd and the 4th lines from the 5th stanza were not moved down to the 6th and new lines were created instead.

Constructive feedback is encouraged and appreciated!

47 Comments Add yours

  1. Gina says:

    love the fictional tale and the setting as well as where you derived your inspiration from, the bees and the qi were such wonderful creative additions. this was like a folklore told around the fireplace and i listened eagerly

    Liked by 1 person

    1. msjadeli says:

      Gina so happy you enjoyed it. It felt like that as I wrote it as well.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Nova says:

    I’ve just analyzed the format of this type of writing. It’s so complex and intricate. You did a fanatic job! Well done!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. msjadeli says:

      Thanks Nova! Are you going to write one? Try it now that you know the format. It’s not so bad once you get started. Think of the lines you want to be repeated and the lines you don’t, which will help.

      Like

  3. There’s a lovely mystical quality that underlies the sadness. If you want constructive criticism, I think it would be better if you tightened up the line lengths. I’d be tempted to keep the 12 syllables of those lovely lines:
    So long ago, still fresh remain these ghosts I see

    Walking slowly through the field of yellow flowers

    and shorten the penultimate line, just leaving out Chauncey and you have your 12 syllables.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. msjadeli says:

      Thank you Jane I will take that into consideration as I tweak it. Glad you got the mood.

      Like

      1. It comes over very strongly 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Oh this was so beautiful. It brought tears to my eyes 😢 Dear Chauncey 💕 For a first attempt you at this format have written something so lovely Lisa. I’m still intimidated, but I’ll give it a go, maybe!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. msjadeli says:

      Thank you, Christine. I was crying as I put it together. Yes, Christine you should give it a go. Once you get into it it will pull you along. I still plan on tweaking mine and probably will write another one or two. It has to get easier with the practice!

      Like

  5. Whew! That takes a bit of time to get right, I bet! I always enjoy the imagery your demand from the reader! :-)))

    Liked by 1 person

    1. msjadeli says:

      Thanks Kevin. It’s more or less a rough draft that will get some editing. It’s a good idea but it needs to be better. Glad you liked the imagery.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. lillian says:

    ohhhh…..I was floating along in this lovely relationship, in this beautiful field of yellow…and then got slapped in the face by that lightning and the tragedy of love lost in a flash. What a rude awakening. Well written to make me feel that! Wow!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. msjadeli says:

      Thank you, Lillian. Your comment is appreciated.

      Like

  7. merrildsmith says:

    This was lovely and mystical. (I’m glad you explained it was fictional!). 🙂 I like how the final quatrain was a look back at ghosts/memories of what once was but still seems fresh and alive. As Jane mentioned, I would shorten some of the longer lines to get a better flow.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. msjadeli says:

      Very happy you liked it, Merril, and for the suggestion. I pounded it out last night and plan on tightening it up.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Sabio Lantz says:

    h, a longer pantoum! And Fiction.
    The sudden turn with lightening was great.
    But I am confused, is this lovers who died, just a dog, how can your voice speak presently yet you died with the lightening bolt — or did just Chaucey die?

    Just my thought: a poem should be complete in itself and not need a paragraph after it to explain stuff.

    Much potential here. Others seemed to actually love it. I liked it because I like poems I can understand and this was leaning that way.

    Other Thoughts:

    Who the heck os “Chaucey”, why leave it a puzzle?

    “Sea” of bees seems threatening, not beautiful.

    “Hum of our qi” , I get it but esoteric to most almost anachronistic. You got oriental qi and British druids now. New Age soup.

    “It waits …” == what, the sea of bees, the hum of our qi? Why do those wait?

    “With hollows”? Didn’t follow that.

    “soot” seems like a strained rhyme, even if close. For certainly she lies in glowing burning wood.

    ————-
    Was that “constructive”? It was my intent.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. msjadeli says:

      Yes, very constructive. I think I”ll have to either reword parts to make it clearer or add lines. Not sure if you want answers to your questions or if they are rhetorical? Or are more saying these are things that aren’t clear in the poem and need to be answered? As to the new age soup, qi is qi no matter where it is. Not sure there is a word for qi in Celtic tradition maybe will try to find out. The lightning striking the tree is symbolic for the love being destroyed. The sea of bees may be threatening to you, but to anyone who has walked through a flowered field filled with a sea of bees, it isn’t. They are too busy to pay attention to you. The hollows in the tree are for the bees to building their hives. Soot does sound weak. I really appreciate your feedback and will be referring to yours and the others’ comments as I edit.

      Like

      1. Sabio Lantz says:

        No, no need to answer questions. Just the impressions of one reader, and a poor one at that. But don’t you think that poetry would be more popular if writers aimed more at unskilled readers like myself? Smile. Do as you will with my feedback. It was far from objective, just me.

        Liked by 1 person

        1. msjadeli says:

          OK, as an unskilled pantoumer, your feedback from the reader’s perspective is appreciated 🙂

          Like

      2. Sabio Lantz says:

        Good. Glad it has some value. BTW, I am a former Acupuncturist/Herbalist — graduated from a Japanese Oriental Medical School — 12 years in Asia, most in Japan and China. So “Ki” or “Qi”, I know all the issues around that — just so you know. (unsubscribed now to the post — best wishes)

        Liked by 1 person

  9. I am not a critic and have never attempted a pantoum but really liked your take.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. msjadeli says:

      Thank you, Punam ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You are welcome! ❤️

        Liked by 1 person

  10. robtkistner says:

    There is an epic, mystical essence here, tinged with a sadness. I enjoyed the read Jade, as I usually freighter your work…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. msjadeli says:

      Rob your kind words are appreciated and glad you saw what I attempted to convey 🙂

      Like

      1. robtkistner says:

        Jade, always write your heart and be fully true and realized to the statement you want to make. Others will find their own way to it. This is poetry, not instructions to assemble a table. Never write for others. You will never satisfy everyone who reads your work. If you try, you will never satisfy yourself – and that is for whom you write poetry. That is the beauty and freedom of poetry. Just my opinion. Peace… 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

        1. msjadeli says:

          Your opinion is appreciated ❤ Thank you I will remember "This is poetry, not instructions to assemble a table."

          Like

        2. msjadeli says:

          Rob, did you see I made a meme of part of what you said?

          Like

  11. Frank Hubeny says:

    Nice line: “With hollows for the honey and a promise for our love”

    Liked by 1 person

    1. msjadeli says:

      Thank you, Frank.

      Liked by 1 person

  12. memadtwo says:

    The repetition works well for the gradual change in tone from light to dark. It makes me thing of visual art, the blending of colors being the repetition of the lines. the light and the shadow. (K)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. msjadeli says:

      thank you very much for that feedback it is appreciated

      Liked by 1 person

  13. I love the druid tree in your poem, and happy Chauncey leaping alongside. I was sad when he lay dying. A tale well told.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. msjadeli says:

      Thank you Sherry, I’m glad you connected with it.

      Like

  14. I am so happy this is not true. It is beautiful and sad.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. msjadeli says:

      Thank you for reading 🙂

      Like

  15. Nora says:

    Enjoying the story you’ve created here. The weaving of lines feels very much like lives whose stores wind around each other again and again.

    Like

  16. Gina says:

    I am glad you attempted the imperfect pantoum, it is trickier but oh so satisfying to write. we ll done Jade

    Liked by 1 person

    1. msjadeli says:

      Thank you Gina 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  17. Just Barry says:

    This is both fantastic — as in steeped in fantasy — and grounded in relativity. Most of us have walked this path and felt this spark. Lovely poem.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. msjadeli says:

      Thank you, Barry. The form is tricky as you can only add new info in short bursts. Hoping with practice it gets easier. You were able to skillfully articulate in yours something not easy to articulate.

      Like

      1. Just Barry says:

        Yours was also well-crafted. This form seems to work well with ruminative topics like love’s 1st spark and last dying embers.

        it was made for depressing sad-sacks like me. 🤣

        Liked by 1 person

        1. msjadeli says:

          thank you for being kind. lol the other 🙂

          Like

  18. kim881 says:

    I was glad to see that you also wrote an ‘imperfect pantoum’ and I agree with Jane about the mystical quality underlying the sadness. I also like the rhythm and pace of the 12 syllables of the lines:
    ‘So long ago, still fresh remain these ghosts I see
    Walking slowly through the field of yellow flowers’

    and I love the way the yellow flowers glow throughout the stanzas.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. msjadeli says:

      Thank you, Kim, your kind words are appreciated. I wasn’t sure if leaving Chauncey and the bees out would leave it sterile, but it appears to work in its revised form. Glad you like the yellow flowers 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  19. The first version does it for me. I like its lightness of tone.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. msjadeli says:

      Thank you, Rosemary, for your feedback. I like the sea of bees and Chauncey running alongside of us.

      Like

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