dverse · love · pantoum · poetry

dVerse — Pantoum — Eternal Moment

sleeping maiden

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Update 3/3/19:  I’ve edited the poem.  Here is the first revision of it.  You will notice I found the druid equivalent of qi (thank you to Sabio for pointing out the “new age soup”) where pronunciation is included within, and definition of the word follows, the poem.

First revision:

Day spent whiling away the endless hours

My hand in yours, you turn and smile at me

Walking slowly through the yellow flowers

Lovers drawn on through an earthbound sea

*

My hand in yours, you turn and smile at me

Nywfre (noo -IV-rah) hums with the drone of bees

Lovers drawn on through an earthbound sea

Travelers on our path to the druid tree

*

Nywfre (noo -IV-rah) hums with the drone of bees

The tree waits ‘neath a sky of blue,

Travelers on our path to the druid tree

Our calling pure, our hearts beat true

*

The tree waits ‘neath a sky of blue,

With a lasting promise for our love

Our calling pure, our hearts beat true

We, beneath its bough, in which rests a dove

*

With a lasting promise for our love

Alas, lightning strikes, destroys the tree,

We, beneath, away flies the dove

Our now doused sparks are lifeless debris

*

So long ago, still fresh these ghosts I see

Walking slowly through the field of yellow flowers

My hand in yours, you turn and smile at me

Life spent remembering those precious hours

Nywfre (noo -IV-rah) — the spark of life. The ancient Druids worked with Nywfre, the divine spark, the energy of life, the spirit in things, the creative inspiration flowing through all living beings.

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Top of original post:

Gina is the host of dVerse this evening and is introducing the pantoum form, where we will write pantoum for a month, where the best examples may find themselves in a book of poetry basics in the works.  This is the 3rd form we’ve done in as many months, the first two being sonnet and rubaiyat.

Here is my first attempt at a pantoum form poem.

Days spent whiling away the endless hours

My hand in yours, you turn and smile at me

Walking slowly through the field of yellow flowers

Chauncey jumps alongside, full of glee

*

My hand in yours, you turn and smile at me

A sea of bees drone low with the hum of our qi

Chauncey jumps alongside us, full of glee

Travelers heading on our paths to the druid tree

*

A sea of bees drone low with the hum of our qi

It waits beneath a sky of infinite blue,

Travelers heading on our paths to the druid tree

For wings that are sure and hearts that beat true

*

It waits beneath a sky of infinite blue,

With hollows for the honey and a promise for our love

For wings that are sure and hearts that beat true

Ourselves beneath its bough, in which rests a dove

*

With hollows for the honey and a promise for our love

Lightning strikes, destroys the tree, from top down to its roots

We, beneath its mighty bough; away flies the dove

Our union crushed, Chauncey lies dying in the soot

*

So long ago, still fresh remain these ghosts I see

Walking slowly through the field of yellow flowers

My hand in yours, the bees, Chauncey jumping; you turn and smile at me

Life spent whiling away the endless hours

*

This is about a shining moment of two people in love, where one is trapped in the moment after the relationship ends. This is a work of fiction. The field of yellow flowers was from a scene I saw in a movie last night, “Bad Times at the Hotel El Royale”. There are elements of truth in it.

The druid tree is, per Ireland Calling: “The Celtic tree of Life is often drawn showing the branches reaching skyward and the roots spreading out into the earth below symboli[z]ing the Druid belief in the link between heaven and earth. Trees were an important aspect of Celtic Culture. They provided shelter and food, and warmth through fire wood.

It is an “imperfect pantoum” as the 2nd and the 4th lines from the 5th stanza were not moved down to the 6th and new lines were created instead.

Constructive feedback is encouraged and appreciated!

47 thoughts on “dVerse — Pantoum — Eternal Moment

  1. love the fictional tale and the setting as well as where you derived your inspiration from, the bees and the qi were such wonderful creative additions. this was like a folklore told around the fireplace and i listened eagerly

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Nova! Are you going to write one? Try it now that you know the format. It’s not so bad once you get started. Think of the lines you want to be repeated and the lines you don’t, which will help.

      Like

  2. There’s a lovely mystical quality that underlies the sadness. If you want constructive criticism, I think it would be better if you tightened up the line lengths. I’d be tempted to keep the 12 syllables of those lovely lines:
    So long ago, still fresh remain these ghosts I see

    Walking slowly through the field of yellow flowers

    and shorten the penultimate line, just leaving out Chauncey and you have your 12 syllables.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Christine. I was crying as I put it together. Yes, Christine you should give it a go. Once you get into it it will pull you along. I still plan on tweaking mine and probably will write another one or two. It has to get easier with the practice!

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  3. ohhhh…..I was floating along in this lovely relationship, in this beautiful field of yellow…and then got slapped in the face by that lightning and the tragedy of love lost in a flash. What a rude awakening. Well written to make me feel that! Wow!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. This was lovely and mystical. (I’m glad you explained it was fictional!). 🙂 I like how the final quatrain was a look back at ghosts/memories of what once was but still seems fresh and alive. As Jane mentioned, I would shorten some of the longer lines to get a better flow.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. h, a longer pantoum! And Fiction.
    The sudden turn with lightening was great.
    But I am confused, is this lovers who died, just a dog, how can your voice speak presently yet you died with the lightening bolt — or did just Chaucey die?

    Just my thought: a poem should be complete in itself and not need a paragraph after it to explain stuff.

    Much potential here. Others seemed to actually love it. I liked it because I like poems I can understand and this was leaning that way.

    Other Thoughts:

    Who the heck os “Chaucey”, why leave it a puzzle?

    “Sea” of bees seems threatening, not beautiful.

    “Hum of our qi” , I get it but esoteric to most almost anachronistic. You got oriental qi and British druids now. New Age soup.

    “It waits …” == what, the sea of bees, the hum of our qi? Why do those wait?

    “With hollows”? Didn’t follow that.

    “soot” seems like a strained rhyme, even if close. For certainly she lies in glowing burning wood.

    ————-
    Was that “constructive”? It was my intent.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, very constructive. I think I”ll have to either reword parts to make it clearer or add lines. Not sure if you want answers to your questions or if they are rhetorical? Or are more saying these are things that aren’t clear in the poem and need to be answered? As to the new age soup, qi is qi no matter where it is. Not sure there is a word for qi in Celtic tradition maybe will try to find out. The lightning striking the tree is symbolic for the love being destroyed. The sea of bees may be threatening to you, but to anyone who has walked through a flowered field filled with a sea of bees, it isn’t. They are too busy to pay attention to you. The hollows in the tree are for the bees to building their hives. Soot does sound weak. I really appreciate your feedback and will be referring to yours and the others’ comments as I edit.

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      1. No, no need to answer questions. Just the impressions of one reader, and a poor one at that. But don’t you think that poetry would be more popular if writers aimed more at unskilled readers like myself? Smile. Do as you will with my feedback. It was far from objective, just me.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Good. Glad it has some value. BTW, I am a former Acupuncturist/Herbalist — graduated from a Japanese Oriental Medical School — 12 years in Asia, most in Japan and China. So “Ki” or “Qi”, I know all the issues around that — just so you know. (unsubscribed now to the post — best wishes)

        Liked by 1 person

      1. Jade, always write your heart and be fully true and realized to the statement you want to make. Others will find their own way to it. This is poetry, not instructions to assemble a table. Never write for others. You will never satisfy everyone who reads your work. If you try, you will never satisfy yourself – and that is for whom you write poetry. That is the beauty and freedom of poetry. Just my opinion. Peace… 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  6. The repetition works well for the gradual change in tone from light to dark. It makes me thing of visual art, the blending of colors being the repetition of the lines. the light and the shadow. (K)

    Liked by 1 person

  7. This is both fantastic — as in steeped in fantasy — and grounded in relativity. Most of us have walked this path and felt this spark. Lovely poem.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Barry. The form is tricky as you can only add new info in short bursts. Hoping with practice it gets easier. You were able to skillfully articulate in yours something not easy to articulate.

      Like

      1. Yours was also well-crafted. This form seems to work well with ruminative topics like love’s 1st spark and last dying embers.

        it was made for depressing sad-sacks like me. 🤣

        Liked by 1 person

  8. I was glad to see that you also wrote an ‘imperfect pantoum’ and I agree with Jane about the mystical quality underlying the sadness. I also like the rhythm and pace of the 12 syllables of the lines:
    ‘So long ago, still fresh remain these ghosts I see
    Walking slowly through the field of yellow flowers’

    and I love the way the yellow flowers glow throughout the stanzas.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Kim, your kind words are appreciated. I wasn’t sure if leaving Chauncey and the bees out would leave it sterile, but it appears to work in its revised form. Glad you like the yellow flowers 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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