Sansevieria in bloom, taken 2009
After getting some much-appreciated feedback, I took a look at the poem. Here’s the first revision:
When sun shines, heaven is reborn.
Faces turn skyward, spirits leap
Warmth for living, blessings adorn
Spring’s voice sings through green colored horn
Flora! Fauna! lilies and peeps
When sun shines, heaven is reborn.
Summer waters gleam, tall grows corn
Beach combers; tassels sway in sweeps
Warmth for living, blessings adorn
Fall leaves dance, red – brown jackets worn
We, apple cheeked, rake them into heaps
When sun shines, heaven is reborn.
Jack Frost’s devils, frigid days borne
Close to wood stove as joint pain creeps
Warmth for living, blessings adorn
At last grey day’s end is bourn
Seasons’ promised turn always keeps
When sun shines, heaven is reborn.
Warmth for living, blessings adorn
Sarah is the host of dVerse today. She introduced us to our next form on the list, villanelle. Once we go through a series of monthly forms, some of the dVerse offerings will be published in a book.
This a very challenging form, but what enjoyment there was in pulling it together for this one. Believe it or nay, when I got up this morning and opened the blinds to the sunshine, the first line popped into my head. I wrote it down, hoping to be able to use it. For the ultimate inspirer of muses, I give thanks.
When the sun shines, so heaven is reborn.
Faces turn in prayer to sky; spirit leaps
Warmth for the living, its blessings adorn
Spring’s voice replies with green and colored horn
Flora! Fauna! perfumed lilies and peeps
When the sun shines, so heaven is reborn.
Summer waters glisten, tall grows the corn
Wind ripples sails; tassles sway as it sweeps
Warmth for the living, its blessings adorn
Fall leaves dance, red, yellow, brown jackets worn
Red apple cheeked, we rake them into heaps
When the sun shines, so heaven is reborn.
Jack Frost’s devils dance, frigid days are borne
Ever close to woodstove as joint pain creeps
Warmth for the living, its blessings adorn
At last we fancy grey day’s end as bourn
Seasons’ promise of turn it always keeps
When the sun shines, so heaven is reborn.
Warmth for the living, its blessings adorn
Tao Talk 
You had me at /Fall leaves dance, red, yellow, brown jackets are worn/. Yes, it is wonderful when a poem begins to write itself. Creativity can be a cornucopia, or a pock mark in Death Valley; smile.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Glenn, thank you for reading and commenting. Your comments are always appreciated.
LikeLike
A beautiful optimist poem.
LikeLiked by 1 person
🙂 thank you
LikeLiked by 1 person
You’re welcome
LikeLiked by 1 person
A fun trip through the seasons.
Thoughts:
In my villanelle I wrote “Should I drop an article or two” –> to make a poem. Well, that was a bit of sarcasm, something I find odd in many poems I read on d’Verse. For instance, in your line “Faces turn in prayer to sky; spirit leaps” you leave out a definite article and perhaps a pronoun, but in other line you use them: the living, the sun, the corn. It seems you just drop them because it makes the syllables work or you think it sounds poem-ish. I personally dislike this because it is very unnatural English and causes a stutter in the read, especially when you don’t do it elsewhere. Just my opinion. I used it to explain that one line in my poem, actually. (following — meaning I am following replies now)
LikeLiked by 1 person
Sabio, I appreciate your feedback. Will check it out tomorrow and see what I can do to make it mesh one way or another.
LikeLike
This poem conjures up so many happy,heart warming images. Nicely done.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m glad it brought happy and heart warming to you, Len. Thank you for reading.
LikeLike
wonderful, nailed the form too.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks 🙂 Are you going to write one??
LikeLiked by 1 person
No, I’m not keen on rhyme and metre, I don’t warm to writing it, I just really like reading it, maybe …
LikeLiked by 1 person
There is no metre in this one. I think general syllable count but no meter…
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes, no metre, but if it ever comes up I usually don’t feel drawn to it. I have one poem where I used metre and rhyme recently (well, this year, lol), I guess I find for my way of thinking it interrupts my flow. And yet I only came free verse in the last twenty years more so, strange.
LikeLiked by 1 person
you dont need a form but I saw you in dVerse. never looked at your form before only your content. my mind reels when i hear how long you and some others have been writing poetry. it’s something that gets in the blood i think. a poetry virus 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Lol, yes a virus, I think it was definitely trying to get out somehow, but we’re all on a different journey and we all have different experiences and starting points, so no comparisons.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yours is a lyrical, pastoral villanelle, Jade, which takes us through the seasons. My favourite season is autumn and you’ve done it justice. I like the way you’ve encapsulated winter with Jack Frost’s devils and the welcome warmth of the woodstove – a reminder that I’m getting old!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you, Kim. Old happens 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
I like this journey through the seasons. I can see her illustration it should have. I don’t see the problem with the ‘faces turn’ line. I quite like the lack of definition, and I think it’s legitimate English. I think it links people, animals, flowers, all responding to the light.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you Sarah for detailed feedback and glad you saw the light of the seasons 🙂
LikeLike
I don’t have problem with adding/dropping articles to keep a rhythm. It’s poetry, not a bus timetable.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Some folks drop articles to make their writing seem like poetry, even when it is not for the sake of rhythm. “Poetry” means many things to many folks, of course. I was just expressing my aesthetics to Jade. I find that dropping articles can make the read clunky or even a bit pretentious, depending how it is done. Poetry that says “Look, I’m cool, I’m a poem!” is one of the reasons most people don’t like poetry. IMHO. Again, just thoughts.
LikeLiked by 1 person
And I was just adding my two penn’orth to the article or not article debate 🙂 I agree with you that there is a lot of snobbery about poetry, but I see it much more obviously in the use of obscure language, dictionary words, or ungrammatical phrases (because someone is focusing on the big words they’re using not the sense). Just dropping an article to get a line to scan doesn’t seem like a heinous crime to me.
LikeLiked by 2 people
I agree Jane.
LikeLike
I’ve read so much ‘poetry’ lately that is just pretentious tosh, I’d never quibble over something as innocuous as article or no article.
LikeLiked by 1 person
There are never enough hours in the day to do all of the reading and writing that needs to be done. Pretentious poetry constructs an intentional barrier between the poet and the reader, which is confusing to me.
LikeLike
I think you’re right. It is a barrier and it is intentional. It’s exclusive. If you’re not as clever as me you won’t understand it.
LikeLiked by 1 person
🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes, indeed, not a “heinous crime”. But, I do feel it breaks flow to drop the articles there and nowhere else. Dropping an article in English, often gives the following noun/noun phrase a different meaning or feeling.
“Faces turn in prayer to sky; spirit leaps” “sky” here becomes a name or like a god. “spirit” can be the name of something. We can’t tell if it is her spirit or the Holy Spirit, or?
Since she does not seem attached much to the wording, she could have very simply used this line, for example, “Our faces turn skyward, our spirits leap ”
I liked her rhyme choices but the meter might have been more consistent too.
Dropping articles and using random meter to just get syllable count and rhyme might be something to reconsider. For instance: which is more important to our ears — the syllable count or the meter patterns? [nice chatting]
LikeLiked by 1 person
Sabio, you’re right about my being fixed on syllable count at the sacrifice of flow. It’s baby steps for a budding poet as is the punctuated rhyming, like soldiers lining up for duty.
LikeLike
Good point. Just counting syllables doesn’t necessarily respect the beat. The villanelle has a strict iambic (usually) tetrametre or pentametre rhythm and I think we should stick with that, but I know that few of us do. We don’t hear that there is the correct number of syllables, but we do hear a rhythm.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I didn’t realize it has strict meter 😦 Didn’t see mention of it. I think mine has it but will make sure when I go back to tweak. Thank you Jane!
LikeLike
Most old poetry forms do have strict metre, but it probably depends where you get the rules from. I guess that modern forms don’t insist because it’s easier. I think this type of poem always sounds better though if you stick to a rhythm.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Jane and Sabio, your comments, whatever they are, are appreciated. They help me when polishing the poem. Thank you for taking the time to care enough to comment ❤
LikeLike
Thanks Jane.
LikeLiked by 1 person
When the sun shines, so heaven is reborn….I love that line! It is like an invitation that we can be too.
LikeLiked by 1 person
❤ and we are! glad you connect the two
LikeLike
A lovely lyrical write! I love how you’ve gone through the seasons.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you, Linda. You’re blessed with a lot of sun where you’re at. Here it is in limited supply so every ray is appreciated.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I couldn’t bear it. Yes, I’m so grateful to be able to live here.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I believe that line came to you because that happens to me. 🙂
I particularly liked
Fall leaves dance, red, yellow, brown jackets worn
Red apple cheeked, we rake them into heaps
When the sun shines, so heaven is reborn.
LikeLiked by 1 person
🙂 Thank you Merril and glad you liked fall
LikeLiked by 1 person
I look forward to more of the sun. Specially like this line: When the sun shines, so heaven is reborn.
LikeLiked by 1 person
🙂 it feels that way doesn’t it.
LikeLike
I do like the description of the change of seasons… the form is a great vehicle to describe the change, and the hope when the sun shines.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Bjorn, thank you, your feedback is appreciated.
LikeLike
I’m not sure which is the revision, but I like the one which appears further down the page here much better; it flows so beautifully, whereas the higher-up one seems rather forced and jumpy.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you for reading them both, Rosemary. The one at the top is the revision and the one at the bottom of the page is the original.
LikeLike
Well if the villanelle has a strict metre I’ve been doing it wrong! One would expect it might, considering its origins, but I have never seen that included as one of the ‘rules’.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I think shortening the lines works well, it adds immediacy. It’s interesting to see this poem develop.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you. I’m not quite happy with it yet and it feels smoother than before, I just don’t want to extract its soul with editing.
LikeLike
I think I like the revisions, but I like the flows, as well as a sense that it can be read with a new intonation that mimics the babbling of brooks .
LikeLiked by 1 person
I just re-read it and do think it flows well. It will be easy for me to mimic babbling 😉
LikeLike
A lovely journey through the seasons Jade, seeing the beauty in them all. I prefer your revised version, it flows better for me 💜
LikeLiked by 1 person
🙂 Thank you for reading and the feedback. I’m glad you enjoyed the seasons.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I like how you have revised it by shortening and removing all the unnecessary words.. lovely work
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you, Namy, I appreciate your thoughts on it 🙂
LikeLike
Here’s a gift of musical interlude. Hope you enjoy.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=lWWT_EUvl70
LikeLiked by 1 person
I love that song, been awhile since hearing it. So mellow — and poetic, both lyrically and melodically. Thanks Rob!
LikeLike
Loved this poem! Tribute to spring.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you Petru 🙂
LikeLike