Rest in the Peace of the Meadow
Us and them, sliced on and on
into ever thinner shards, until
the world is bloody ground glass.
Is that what you see when you
look at a meadow? No. Look
how many pieces to a tree.
Each blade of grass together
makes a cushion to lie down
and rest upon. You may enjoy
The flowers of the field without
picking them. Allow their faces
to turn to the sun, bees to sip.
Wherever you are in the land-
scape, know that each precious
brushstroke creates masterpiece.
Recline within the Inimitable Beauty of Gestalt
Air-angels and mud-clingers are minced on and on
into ever-more indistinguishable meat-shreds, until
the life-platter stinks with rancid ground death-mass.
Is that what owl orbs discover when soul
viewers behold spirit-gifts? No. Marvel at
how many magic-shifts to a sequoia
Blades of bluegrass world-weaving together
conjure a velva-cushion to recline
and respite upon. Lifebearers may envelop
sweetpeas of the greenmeadow without unearthing
them from trajectories. Concede their pollened potential to
bask and sway with the lightgiver in unmolested guzzling.
Wherever pinpointed in the lifescape,
know that each textured inimitable
vitality cultivates gestaltic benediction.
When I look at both poems, it feels like the original was a concept and the revised version was the concept developed. The revision uses a much more vivid palette of words which makes it feel more lush and expressive. With the time I had/took for this exercise, evening out the line lengths didn’t happen; the revised version looks less uniform.
Peter Frankis is today’s host of dVerse. Peter says:
So, to our exercise…
Pick a poem you’ve already written — a favourite, one that needs a second look, one that never reached its full potential (choose a shorter one for tonight’s exercise). This is the ‘before poem’.
Make a copy and give it the “Bök test” – highlight all the nouns – could they be more concrete, more specific? ; now do the same with the verbs — can they be more active? Now do the same with the adjectives & adverbs…
Look for the uncanny – can you find a ‘rainforest of chandeliers’, ‘a sky as blue as a car accident,’ ‘a speech as hard as a machine gun’?
Publish both poems – the ‘before’ and ‘after’ – on your blog.
Optional – add your reflections/learnings