dVerse — Poetics — Unraveled

Related image | Hình gif, Kỳ ảo, Tumblr

The trees are mad silhouettes
against the rouge pink sky;
perhaps they too need emptying.” –
by Sanaa Rivzi, from, “A pocketful of maybes”

Winter trees were madness,
webbed silhouettes, gaining
grey sky; compelled, relieved
a keened need for empty…

Pulled out through every hole
in the head, crystal-silk threads
now fill still, glittered heaven.
Unraveled, my skull echoes.

“Estrela,” by Halina gif link

Sanaa’s beautiful and challenging original line is at the top of the post. I molded the line to suit my muse and hope it hasn’t been molded beyond what was expected.

Sanaa is today’s host for dVerse’ Poetics. Sanaa says:
For today’s Poetics I invite you all to play a poetry game called, “Dungeons and Derivatives.” The idea here is to select one (from a list of eight sentences) and to change at least one word or more by replacing it with a derivative. Once you are done, unlock the muse from its dungeon and write a poem with the existing sentence… The sentence will change yes, after replacing a word or two with derivatives. Don’t be shy to mold it accordingly.

44 Comments Add yours

  1. sanaarizvi says:

    I absolutely love, love this, Lisa! 😀 You have worked wonders with the quote and the poem flows so seamlessly. Especially admire; “madness,
    webbed silhouettes, gaining grey sky,” you took the prompt to the next level. Thank you so much for writing! 💝💝

    Liked by 2 people

    1. msjadeli says:

      Thank you very much, Sanaa, for the comment and the challenge. ❤ ❤

      Like

    1. msjadeli says:

      Thanks, Christine! ❤ 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Dale says:

    Wow. I am in awe, Lisa. I read the instructions and frankly, could not wrap my head around the thing!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. msjadeli says:

      Thank you, Dale. Not sure I got it quite right either. I tried!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Dale says:

        Good enough for me!!

        Liked by 1 person

  3. rogblog666 says:

    i am a tad awed with the quailety of poems on show here tonight. awsome poem.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. msjadeli says:

      Rog, thanks much. There are some awesome ones on the trail, for sure.

      Like

  4. Gillena Cox says:

    Nice one
    Happy Tuesday

    Much💖love

    Liked by 1 person

    1. msjadeli says:

      Gillena, thank you and back at you with a loving Tuesday ❤

      Like

  5. Wild Child47 says:

    I particularly love the strength of the opening stanza – and then how you turned it inwards, the outside reflected back in, as if on a cold winter’s night, a shadow or ghost in a pane of glass — and the words you’ve used echo and rebound sentiments that create a volley, a conversation between first and second; rather stunning Lisa!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. msjadeli says:

      Wild Child, many thanks for sharing what you see with your eyes 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Wild Child47 says:

        my pleasure 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  6. So surreal! I hear those echoes! 💓

    Liked by 1 person

    1. msjadeli says:

      🙂 ❤ Thanks, Tricia!

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Sadje says:

    Fantastic poem Li.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Sadje says:

        You’re welcome my friend

        Liked by 1 person

  8. robtkistner says:

    Excellent Lisa, as always, well written! Like the tribute song to mad mad Syd… 👍🏼✌🏼

    Liked by 1 person

    1. msjadeli says:

      Thanks much, Rob!

      Like

  9. Grace says:

    You capture the feeling of emptiness and depths of sadness:

    Unraveled, my skull echoes.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. msjadeli says:

      Thank you, Grace ❤

      Like

  10. calmkate says:

    so beautiful, rather magical … love the Pink F addition, fits nicely

    Liked by 1 person

    1. msjadeli says:

      Thank you, Kate.

      Liked by 1 person

  11. Ingrid says:

    I think you’ve done a wonderful job of moulding Sanaa’s lines into something all your own, Lisa. I love all the assonance, which really makes your poem sing!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. msjadeli says:

      Thank you very much, Ingrid.

      Liked by 1 person

  12. Helen Dehner says:

    “A keened need for empty” ~ a magnificent line. And a lovely interpretation of Sanaa’s line.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. msjadeli says:

      Helen, thank you very much.

      Like

  13. Lovely! Nicely done, Li. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. msjadeli says:

      Thank you, Punam!

      Liked by 1 person

  14. Xan says:

    Just your use of the word “keened” added an aural level to this, so that I can hear the threads of the speaker’s mind emptying into the glitter. Just so much depth to this poem.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. msjadeli says:

      Alexandra, thank you very much for the feedback.

      Like

  15. Oh, I love it… and it made me think of madness just like the Pink Floyd song refers to Syd and his

    Liked by 1 person

    1. msjadeli says:

      Thank you, Bjorn, that’s exactly what I was going for. Glittering madness.

      Like

  16. sean@bogie says:

    Methinks your head is full of start stuff. A fascinating way to be.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. msjadeli says:

      Thanks for reading and your comment, Sean. I’m not sure what “start stuff” is, but it does sound fascinating 🙂

      Like

  17. This might be a minor thing, Lisa, but I love how you chose to use “keened” instead of “keen” – something about that really connected with me. Also – this line:

    now fill still, glittered heaven.

    Wow… beautiful!

    -David

    Liked by 1 person

    1. msjadeli says:

      David, thank you for your comment and for noticing the difference. I appreciate it.

      Like

  18. Dora says:

    Lisa,
    I don’t know how you did it but I absolutely felt this “compelled, relieved
    a keened need for empty…” like an electric shock. We all have felt this, a need to self-empty, tune ourselves to the heavens above. Beautifully written poetry.
    pax,
    dora

    Liked by 1 person

    1. msjadeli says:

      Dora, thank you and so glad you connected with it.

      Liked by 1 person

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