“The trees are mad silhouettes
against the rouge pink sky;
perhaps they too need emptying.” –
by Sanaa Rivzi, from, “A pocketful of maybes”
Winter trees were madness,
webbed silhouettes, gaining
grey sky; compelled, relieved
a keened need for empty…
Pulled out through every hole
in the head, crystal-silk threads
now fill still, glittered heaven.
Unraveled, my skull echoes.
“Estrela,” by Halina gif link
Sanaa’s beautiful and challenging original line is at the top of the post. I molded the line to suit my muse and hope it hasn’t been molded beyond what was expected.
Sanaa is today’s host for dVerse’ Poetics. Sanaa says:
For today’s Poetics I invite you all to play a poetry game called, “Dungeons and Derivatives.” The idea here is to select one (from a list of eight sentences) and to change at least one word or more by replacing it with a derivative. Once you are done, unlock the muse from its dungeon and write a poem with the existing sentence… The sentence will change yes, after replacing a word or two with derivatives. Don’t be shy to mold it accordingly.
Tao Talk 
I absolutely love, love this, Lisa! 😀 You have worked wonders with the quote and the poem flows so seamlessly. Especially admire; “madness,
webbed silhouettes, gaining grey sky,” you took the prompt to the next level. Thank you so much for writing! 💝💝
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you very much, Sanaa, for the comment and the challenge. ❤ ❤
LikeLike
Beautifully done Lisa ☺️💕
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks, Christine! ❤ 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
My pleasure Lisa ☺️💕
LikeLiked by 1 person
Wow. I am in awe, Lisa. I read the instructions and frankly, could not wrap my head around the thing!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you, Dale. Not sure I got it quite right either. I tried!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Good enough for me!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
❤ 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
i am a tad awed with the quailety of poems on show here tonight. awsome poem.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Rog, thanks much. There are some awesome ones on the trail, for sure.
LikeLike
Nice one
Happy Tuesday
Much💖love
LikeLiked by 1 person
Gillena, thank you and back at you with a loving Tuesday ❤
LikeLike
I particularly love the strength of the opening stanza – and then how you turned it inwards, the outside reflected back in, as if on a cold winter’s night, a shadow or ghost in a pane of glass — and the words you’ve used echo and rebound sentiments that create a volley, a conversation between first and second; rather stunning Lisa!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Wild Child, many thanks for sharing what you see with your eyes 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
my pleasure 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
So surreal! I hear those echoes! 💓
LikeLiked by 1 person
🙂 ❤ Thanks, Tricia!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Fantastic poem Li.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you ❤
LikeLiked by 1 person
You’re welcome my friend
LikeLiked by 1 person
Excellent Lisa, as always, well written! Like the tribute song to mad mad Syd… 👍🏼✌🏼
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks much, Rob!
LikeLike
You capture the feeling of emptiness and depths of sadness:
Unraveled, my skull echoes.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you, Grace ❤
LikeLike
so beautiful, rather magical … love the Pink F addition, fits nicely
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you, Kate.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I think you’ve done a wonderful job of moulding Sanaa’s lines into something all your own, Lisa. I love all the assonance, which really makes your poem sing!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you very much, Ingrid.
LikeLiked by 1 person
“A keened need for empty” ~ a magnificent line. And a lovely interpretation of Sanaa’s line.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Helen, thank you very much.
LikeLike
Lovely! Nicely done, Li. 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you, Punam!
LikeLiked by 1 person
My pleasure.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Just your use of the word “keened” added an aural level to this, so that I can hear the threads of the speaker’s mind emptying into the glitter. Just so much depth to this poem.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Alexandra, thank you very much for the feedback.
LikeLike
Oh, I love it… and it made me think of madness just like the Pink Floyd song refers to Syd and his
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you, Bjorn, that’s exactly what I was going for. Glittering madness.
LikeLike
Methinks your head is full of start stuff. A fascinating way to be.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks for reading and your comment, Sean. I’m not sure what “start stuff” is, but it does sound fascinating 🙂
LikeLike
This might be a minor thing, Lisa, but I love how you chose to use “keened” instead of “keen” – something about that really connected with me. Also – this line:
Wow… beautiful!
-David
LikeLiked by 1 person
David, thank you for your comment and for noticing the difference. I appreciate it.
LikeLike
Lisa,
I don’t know how you did it but I absolutely felt this “compelled, relieved
a keened need for empty…” like an electric shock. We all have felt this, a need to self-empty, tune ourselves to the heavens above. Beautifully written poetry.
pax,
dora
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dora, thank you and so glad you connected with it.
LikeLiked by 1 person