spider weaves in picnic pavillion corner’s pink-red sunset
I hack at deadwood as tourists depart and temperatures fall
you build stick pyramid over handfuls of dried beach grass
yellow-orange pyre against black silhouettes; smoke curls to sky
you tend our crackling host as I pour toddies from bullet thermos
alone with night, blanket across our touching knees, we kiss
~
winter window shadows sway on a hospital room’s white wall
transports me to summer; humming machine lake’s shushhh
my lips tingle and I feel your thumb rub the back of my hand
heartbeats shrink time, distance; two young lovers embrace again
“hoo-hoo’s in love?” the barred owl echoes, but we know she knows
she leads me to your light; my eyes closed, my heart’s final earthly beat
rewritten and more concise:
spider web on sunset’s canvas
geometry of nightfall
shivers as you build a fire
watching flames lick stars
our knees touch under blanket
we lean in synch and kiss
~
shadows dance hospital wall
back to summer heartbeats
lips tingling, your warm hand
time and distance shrink
owl hoots a question
leads me to my final breath
Laura is today’s host of dVerse’ Meeting the Bar. Laura says:
[Write a Cherita form poem.] Cherita is a consecutive poetry form in three stanzas: a single line; a couplet; a tercet, [with the following guidelines]
Write your Cherita as a mirrored/reflected 2 part form 1;2;3; and a second part of 3;2;1 line stanzas
Style:
• No descriptive title – so title yours as either ‘Untitled’ or ‘A Cherita’
• there should not be any rhymes
• there are no syllable restrictions
• line lengths are your own discretion
• centred on the page (optional)
Content: The Cherita effectively tells a story – concise but imagist, as in a vignette.
Your reflected form makes some connection between the two parts
Approach: write in a semi meditative state with minimal editing
Tao Talk 
Both great; Liked the pared-down version better.
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Thank you, Ron. I do also.
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Both are so well written Li. The story is so sweet.
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Thank you, Sadje. It’s a theme I’ve visited before but this form felt right for visiting it again.
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Yes it fits so well.
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Wonderful Lisa. Excellent result with the rewrite. I edited my original piece down also. Well written my friend. 🙂✌🏼🫶🏼
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Rob, thank you very much. Agreed it feels better after paring it down.
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I too love the concise version – moving and sad in the end.
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Grace, thank you. After seeing the minimalist poems of others, realized mine needed to get pared down to a finer essence.
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Nicely done! :-)
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Thank you, Christian :)
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This format is different….I felt cold and warm reading your poem.
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Max, thanks for sharing the experience of reading the poem. When a poem makes you feel it means the poet has succeeded <3
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Yes you did!
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I enjoyed both versions but the second poem is more powerful.
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Robbie, thank you. The form is so sparse, when I read the first one it felt verbose so pared it down.
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Both beautiful Lisa and thank you for sharing your process. A poignant story and suitably imagist too…
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Andrew, thank you for reading and your lovely comment.
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I love that you shared both versions of your cherita, Lisa. I like the atmosphere of both, the use of colour, and the move from the picnic pavilion to the hospital, and then to a previous summer. If I had to choose, it would be the shorter version, because of the focus on the imagery of the spider’s web on sunset’s canvas, the shadows that ‘dance hospital wall’, and the way ‘time and distance shrink’.
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Kim, I appreciate your helpful feedback. It’s always good to help me grow as a poet.
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the succinct suits the Cherita – and your poignantly told tale –
[It seems you wrote the first version and then edited in a semi-meditative state which is the best way to write this poetry form]
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Laura, thanks for the challenge and appreciate the feedback :)
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I actually really like how the two play off of one another! And the “hoo-hoo” is very clever, Lisa, especially <3
Sincerely,
David
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David, thank you <3
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Both very poignant, but the concise one is probably more in the style of a cherita. Thank you for sharing both versions.
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Thanks, Merril!
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You’re welcome, Lisa!
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I think the condensed version worked so much better, and how you built it up to that devastating last line.
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Bjorn, thank you. I wondered if it would still make sense pared down like it was, and it appears that it does.
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We all seem to agree that less is more on this one. So much condensed into a small space.
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Thanks, Jane!
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Anonymous is Jane. WP is playing new and sillier games.
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This piece is intense and bittersweet. The ending floored me.
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Imelda, thank you for your thoughtful comment.
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agree with others who said they enjoyed seeing both versions– and how you pared down the original to better fit the mood of a cherita! <3
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Ren, thanks :)
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This is haunting. The compression of the original is a good lesson on creating an essential image from our original ideas. (K)
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anonymous is me–K. I forgot to “log in”. So annoying.
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Yes, WP always seems to like to f*** with us doesn’t it. It gets tiresome!
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Thank you, K. My mind was fried last night after hours at the clan mothers group which created the first one. I came back later after winding down a little and was calm enough to write the 2nd.
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Wonderful! Two amazing poems for the price of one admission! I also love the cherita version. best.
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Helen, thank you for your always kind and uplifting comments <3
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I love this Cherita. I guess spiders and fires end, and so do we.
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Paul that’s poetry in and of itself <3
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:)
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Well done! I like the last part the best. 😊
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Thanks much :)
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