photo taken Dec 2023
Hold Tight
A struggle in 2024, a struggle since 1993, when I stopped smoking cigarettes and stopped starving myself. Letting go of a pack a day and fasting left a vacuum that filled with food. Hikes and bike rides, step aerobics and Lake Michigan body surfing, couldn’t – and can’t – keep up with calories.
Like coats of paint on an old house, layers of poundage coat this corpus. Weighed down, worn down, my moving parts are tested. Knees groan, ankles throb, orthopedics strain, teeth chew to dust.
Heaviness enshrouds like blanket of gray January. Martinet intellect screams, “It’s time to get this fat ass in gear!” Drowning chorus of a thousand voiced cruelties pounds me into dilemmic inertia; mindlessly chewing another slice.
Limbo suckles, dark, forever-hungry presence that season cannot transcend. Holding tight until spring, may it bless with burbling fount of silence in songs of returning birds.
struggle when letting go
vacuum filled layers worn
moving parts chew dust
enshrouded blanket screams
drowning cruelties slice
limbo suckles
holding tight may bless
for silence in songs
letting go, filled
worn parts enshroud cruelty
hold tight for silence
Welcome back to dVerse after the holiday hiatus!
I am today’s host for dVerse’ Haibun Monday. I say:
write either a burning haibun form poem on an inner journey you’ve taken or write a haibun on any topic.
Tao Talk 
Thank you for showing us how it’s done, Lisa! Giving up smoking is not easy; I remember how I just decided one day and stopped, and then turned to food. Aqua aerobics and swimming have made a change for me. I reallay like ‘Heaviness enshrouds like blanket of gray January’ and the ‘burbling fount of silence in songs of returning birds’.
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Kim thanks and you’re welcome. Glad you gave it up when you’d had enough. Happy you liked those lines.
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Wow, Lisa. I will have to take a look at this form. I quit cold turkey in 1998. It was the hardest thing I ever did. Brava to you for kicking smoking in the butt!
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Colleen, it was a lucky find on the form. So happy you quit in 1998. My older son did a DARE program in elementary school then came home and kept at me until I quit (with the help of nicotine patches.) I owe it to my son <3
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This is incredibly raw and poignant, Lisa! I am especially moved by these lines; “Holding tight until spring, may it bless with burbling fount of silence in songs of returning birds.”
Yes.. may it be so.. amen! 🩷🩷
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<3 Thanks so much, Sanaa, thanks for reading and commenting.
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You’re most welcome! 😘
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Very well done, Lissa. Your vulnerable piece speaks to me as I have had to face the reality from the heavy end that I cannot keep getting bigger and bigger. Changes always leave a vacuum it seems. The question is, What do I fill them with?”
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Dwight, thank you for your support, which continues to be unwavering. It is appreciated. I think you’ve been doing a good job on the weight loss, which I have noticed in your pics. You stay so busy already, it’s a wonder you have time to eat at all. I would suggest snow-shoeing but you guys don’t get that much snow. Do you have a place to kayak? I really loved kayaking this past summer and plan on going again when it warms up.
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You are very welcome my friend. I have been able to stay stable at a thirty-pound weight drop! It really has made a world of difference in how I feel and function.
No snow here for the past three or four years. But…. They are predicting a wintery mix on Friday night into Saturday! We will see!
Never did much in the water! We dumped a canoe once in Northern Michigan! I might be dangerous in a kayak! :>)
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I can imagine you’d feel much lighter with 30# gone and staying gone. Hoping you get your wintery mix because when it doesn’t happen that often it is more of a treat for you. The water I was in was maybe waist deep and no current. Son left me behind and went into an actual lake that a river empties into at one end and the lake empties into Lake MI at the other end, so he probably got some current. We had our life vests on and that’s the main thing. Do you have any shallow lakes around there?
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No shallow lakes. mostly deep flooded behind a dam. It does make a big difference. I can get up easier now.
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Beautifully rendered burning haibun, Li, which helped me find my voice in this form as well. So many images and phrases I like but especially, “enshrouded blanket screams
drowning cruelties slice,” and “Limbo suckles, dark, forever-hungry.”
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Dora, thank you so much, for reading and your comment <3
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you got me remembering those dreaded cravings. it has been twenty years an two months since I put out my last cigarette.
best thing I ever did.
loved this form thank you
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Rog, sorry to bring the cravings back. Agreed on quitting the best thing. Really happy you loved the form. It was a lucky find.
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So well done technically, but more important, so raw, real, painful and relatable. A wonderful write, and I wish I could have given it a go, but was not able. The read makes up for it!
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Ain, thank you. Sometimes I like to put the mask aside and get real. Much appreciated.
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Amazing, Lisa! I’m fascinated by your words. An impressive write!
Very challenging. I shall try, no guarantees! Why the heading Quadrille Monday when it’s a haibun? See, I told you it was challenging. 😂
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OMG thank you for noticing! I need another whisky don’t I ;)
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No one noticed before me? LOL!! In that case…..I’ll take a Bloody Mary!
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Nope, you are the first. Do you like your Bloody Mary spicy or not?
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Spicy…..but not enough to curl my hair! 🍹
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OK got it. I will use spicy V8 for it. Cheers!
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One last question, Lisa…..maybe. What’s the deadline date for this haibun?
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Oops I forgot that also. Added it to under the Mr. Linky button (but should have checked the box in Mr. Linky.) It ends on Saturday at 3pm.
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A lot of pain and struggle really well expressed here. But you quit smoking, and being a smoker, I’ll say that’s a hell of an achievement.
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OP, you’d think if I quit smoking, I could quit eating too much wouldn’t you. The eating is complicated. Thank you so much for your support. I learned that with smoking, when you quit you get that sharp craving, but it is a small wave only, and if you can get past that small wave each time, soon you won’t be smoking anymore. If you quit, watch out for the eating! Fill the void with a healthy something…
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The previous anonymous comment was by me OP btw!
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:)
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Those cravings don’t quit us. I wonder if/how we ever balance necessity and desire. The raw vulnerability is your words is powerful and moving. (K)
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Yes, K, I wonder if/how also. Appreciate your kindness.
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Such a powerful haibun, Li!
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Nolcha, thank you. Writing it brought some insights to me that I hope will be useful.
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This is a new top me form of Haibun. Very interesting piece my friend
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Sadje, new to me also. I really like it but it’s intense to write one.
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I’ll give it a try. Thanks
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Love what you did here to take that experience and condense it down. Never smoked but I can understand the struggle.
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Bjorn, growing up, *all* of the adults smoked. Always a full house at grandparents’ kitchen. So many of that generation passed away young, with the men who worked the dirty factories getting a double whammy. It took my older son’s pleading to get me to quit.
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Limbo suckles… perfect! It does indeed. Also, teeth chew to dust, that I know, such strong and emotional imagery. It’s a difficult road to travel and trying to lose the pounds when we get older is so hard. Wonderful Burning Haibun. I really love how you set it out too. It is quite an expressive form I really like it.
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Di, thank you so much. I can feel your empathy <3 Yes, I am going to be writing to this form again.
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Wonderful, powerful poem, Lisa! I appreciate the challenge as well. My dad quit smoking cold turkey when my mom became pregnant with me. My mom continued smoking on and off for decades. My sister and I used to chase her into the bathroom when she lit a cigarette because we couldn’t stand the smell. She eventually quit. Many of my dad’s family members have suffered with COPD from smoking. I’m happy you finally quit.
Yvette M Calleiro :-)
http://yvettemcalleiro.blogspot.com
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Thanks much, Yvette. Your dad quitting when you were preparing to be born says a lot about him. I’m embarrassed to say I smoked through both pregnancies :( It took my older son to put pressure on after he did a DARE program at elementary school to get me to quit. So many relatives struggled with COPD and emphysema (remembering my poor grandpa hunched over at the kitchen table trying to gather oxygen into his lungs.)
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My grandfathers as well, except his emphysema was from working in a fiberglass factory. Back then, they didn’t wear masks. :'(
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Oh no, Yvette, the thought of it hurts my heart.
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This is an outstanding poem, Lisa! I love your choice of words, many of them reaching out to touch my heart. Thanks for sharing a challenging experience in a poetic manner.
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Balroop, thanks so much for reading and your supportive comment <3
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Bad habits are so much tougher than acquiring them… Not fair.
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You’re right, Chris, so easy to walk through those gates…
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Oh , truth !!!!!!!!!
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I think this is one of your most personal writes, Li, and the emotional connect is deep. Never smoked but the battle with bulge is familiar. Menopause spared me all the hot flashes, thinning hair, mood swings and the works but left me weighing more than I ever was. Your imagery, your word choices are excellent. You made it look easy and I followed your example. ❤️
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Punam, I appreciate your empathy. Thank you for the kind words <3
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I can relate to this in many ways…food fills many vacuums…so I’m with ya.
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Max, am glad but sad you can relate. Sorry so behind on reading blogs. Hosting dVerse yesterday has taken up a lot of time, then I went to GR to freeze my … off walking around outside fmg. Thankfully we didn’t stray too far out into the tundric gardens.
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Glad you are walking!
No…I would be days behind on you if you would have been posting more…I’ve been away a lot so you are fine.
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<3
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Lisa, your burning haibun cut thru all the crap … told it like it was/is. I was forced to take a hard look in the mirror in 2016 with Type2 and elevated BP diagnoses. Your worn parts are ready and primed for rejuvenation. Sending you a ton of energy and wishes for a grand 2025.
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Helen, taking that energy, soaking it in, and beaming it back to you. Thank you, Dear <3
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This is so relatable to those of us who quit smoking and found weight. The haiku is beautiful and thoughtful. Thanks for sharing this different form of haibun and hosting.
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Thanks much, Cris. I just finished reading your soulful burning haibun.
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I don’t even have the excuse of having given up smoking and still the struggle to keep the weight down, exercise more, is tough – you articulate things many of us struggle with as we age Li – and thanks for the form too…
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Andrew, let’s face it, life is a struggle, where age tweaks the challenges :) You are very welcome, and I’m glad you have the courage to tell the truth in your offering.
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My father gave up smoking in 2018 after being at it for more than 35 years. Meditation helped him but it was hell, he says to me, son never do smoking and I obey.
Your haibun is amazing! And I love that erasure haiku.
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Jay, I’m so glad your dad made the choice to quit, and I’m so glad you took his advice. Thanks much on my poem.
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“struggle when letting go
vacuum filled layers worn
moving parts chew dust”
I like how you whittled this down even further and (to me) flipped the meaning.
“letting go, filled”
Only when we let go can we make space for the good things to come in.
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Melissa, thanks for seeing that in the poem. Let go, but at the same time hold tight.
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For me this was visceral, and full of muted but deep grief for one’s choices and circumstance – that sense of yearn for a different way forward. This is very raw and thank you for sharing it Li.
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Paul, it’s uncomfortable to get for real for real but so necessary to, as you say, move forward. Thank you, my friend, much appreciated.
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❤️ my pleasure Li
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