Domestic Violence Ain’t No Joke
Six months into to a life of me and you,
we knew your mother was coming to visit
but you socked me in the cheek anyway.
Silly you knew the karate you pulled me
into trained in tools to roll with; I grabbed
your arms, fell back, and threw you over
into a wall. I met her with bruised cheek;
you woke to your folly but weren’t hurt.
The first time someone punches you,
you need. To run. Run. Run.
What did I do?
Believed his lies: I’m sorry. I will never,
ever do it again. I love you.
Five years later, no more punches, but oh
so many humiliations. Breaking favorite
things, accusations of insanity, gaslighting,
water torture, things that crush belief.
Five years later, pregnant, I married him.
You see, my mom would have beaten
any man who tried to manhandle her,
although she felt the need to respond
to any hint of disrespect from her kids.
The bar was so much lower for us.
His first punch was because I got mouthy.
Was that what stunned me into staying?
Being chased, doused, badmouthed,
threatened between pregnancies, births
took its toll. Not long after, my being began
to shut down. Deep into the night a voice
said, “you need to get away or more illness
means you won’t live many more days.”
It was then I began to plan. To learn,
to study, to save; with a sense of purpose
designed to leave and live. And I did.
This is a brief, brief, brief description of a relationship that lasted from late 1970s to early 1990s. It’s way in the rear view mirror now. As horrible as it was, there are far worse situations out there for women, men, and kids going on every day. If you are in one of them, take tiny steps towards getting away. Look for allies. Seek out support resources.
Learn more about Intimate Partner Violence here.
Tao Talk 
I’m so glad you got out Lisa! Domestic violence is tragic! It happens so much nowadays too! xoxo
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Carol Anne, I think it’s been happening all along. As long as we have a patriarchal system that doesn’t take it seriously and hold batterers accountable, it will continue.
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And right you were! That type of cowardice should never be allowed. I’m sorry that you had to endure it. I am so glad you left. More than that, I am glad you write about it. Difficult texts like this need to be written and written often.
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Aaron, thank you for your supportive comment. It is very difficult to write about, as it feels like betrayal. So much of this stuff is done in the shadows and secretly. My family and friends had no idea he was doing anything to me. It was only when I started to plan to get away I started talking.
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It’s only when we start writing and talking about these kind of subjects that people start to be aware. It’s like folks are going through their lives with blindfolds over their eyes. I’m glad you wrote this poem and I hope you write many more. We need more dangerous poets.
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I am sorry you went through this. It doesn’t matter if there are worse situations. You felt pain in this. I am thankful you are alive to write about it and in the process of healing.
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Thank you, Melissa.
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This is so honest and heartbreaking. I know it must have been difficult to write and relive that pain, but I agree that your poem could help someone. Thank God you got away. ❤️
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Lisa, I have no other explanation for it. God has gotten me away from a lot of things. If my story can help even one, I’m happy. Yes very difficult to write without feeling anxious. Not that I’m reliving it, more that I need to keep my mouth shut. That’s the kicker with these things. You’re not only hurt but you’re conditioned to stay quiet about it.
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Your advice to run the FIRST time someone’s hits you is priceless. They say it will never happen again & the abused wants to believe it.
God has also got me away and I’m so grateful, too ❤️
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Lisa, I appreciate you sharing your thoughts on it. Yes, trust has been built up between the two people, so when it happens it is a shock to the system. Your mind wants to reason that this was just an isolated mistake. I am so glad you got away!
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The first time someone punches you,
you need. To run. Run. Run.
Damn straight, Lisa. This was never part of my world but my blood boils when I hear of any kind of abuse. I’m sorry you didn’t get out sooner but I’m glad you eventually did. ♡
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Nancy, it was the betrayal more than the punch that hurt. I’m glad I got away also. Thanks much for your kind comment <3
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Most welcome, Lisa.
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Sometimes I feel that men (generalising) are not worthy of women. Sigh.
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Shaun, sometimes I feel humans are not worthy of each other. We are a selfish species.
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Thank you for sharing your story through this poetry challenge. I admire your courage to leave and then to fully live!
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You are welcome, Carol. Thanks so much. I can’t take all of the credit. Angels have helped me every step of the way <3
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A familiar situation, Lisa, and I’m so glad you got out. It takes a long time to get to the point where you stop believing lies and look for a way to escape. I remember the humiliation, too, the gaslighting, and the shutting down. Having a plan is something you keep to yourself and nurture until you are ready to leave and live.
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You know how it is and I appreciate you sharing it here.
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Always welcome, Lisa.
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such a raw account Lisa – you must have painfully relived just to write even from this distance. What struck this reader the most is not so much the punches as the “things that crush belief”. I know men who have had the same experience so it is not patriarchy as much as the fear and shame that persists down the years of not running, not leaving.
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Laura, this happened so long ago now, and I’ve rehashed/processed it so many times, that the feelings have turned to dust and blown away. The first betrayal is a marker that orients me to the beginning of his “campaign” for total power and control. Campaign is not my term but it’s one I remember from a book I read.
I strongly disagree that it isn’t integrally connected to patriarchy (defined here as institutional overseers/deciders.) When every step of the way, the system is rigged in favor of the batterer, from street level cops who write the reports, to prosecutors who decide what and if to charge, from judges with god complexes, to sheriffs who decide who gets released for overcrowding in jails, to funding resources for victims of battering shelters, to artificially constructed poverty through a kleptocracy, etc.
The kind of patriarchy defined as men ruling the home, provide food, clothing, and shelter is another twisty biscuit but one that doesn’t have the ironclad prison aspect to it that it used to.
Totally agree domestic violence, including battering, sexual assault, stalking, terrorism can happen to ANYONE. Did not mean to suggest it couldn’t.
Again, thank you for engaging in dialogue on the issue, which is a dirty dark secret that many would prefer to stay in the shadows. We need to be talking about it so those suffering can feel validated and encouraged <3
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and come out from the shame which often makes them keep silent
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<3
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You’re so right that this sort of situation is very common nowadays and most people stay in abusive relationships out of fear or loyalty. A great reminder for everyone. Thanks for sharing your story dear friend.
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Sadje, you’re so right, it’s complicated. I really hope anyone reading this will at least consider the possibility they don’t have to stay in such a situation. Once they open up the contemplation, it may lead to a place where a plan of escape may begin to formulate.
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Very right. Despite all the awareness, people still choose to stay in such relationships. Most women do it because of kids.
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Such a brave write, Lisa, and so happy you are free from it now and could write about it. It is a difficult thing to write about but I think sharing is so important for healing and for others who may be looking for the courage to leave. Sometimes it can take us years to leave, me, 12 years and now 10 years free. I’ve worked in DV Centre since and written submissions for reports into domestic violence. I fear there is a trend with the world that women’s voices are threatened with silence again which is so worrying. All the more important to not allow the patriarchal system to get stronger.
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Di, THANK YOU for sharing what you just shared. A support system is vitally important for anyone. Thank you for helping to protect victims of batterers.
You bring up a good point. Women are under attack right now with a sexual predator at the helm. I just saw today that a call to action is going on in US Congress today, to release the Epstein files. Further, a growing number of the hundreds/thousands of victims of Epstein and his rancid pals and customers are gathering and sharing notes.
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You’re welcome Lisa, and yes, I was about to watch an interview with the survivors of Epstein. How brave of the victims to come forward now with all that is going on, I do hope they get justice.
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When I read your poem in the morning, Li, I felt sucker-punched. I didn’t comment then because my feelings were very raw and I wanted to process what I had read.
You are a very brave woman. It takes courage to walk away from a relationship in which one invests so much but is left emotionally and physically bruised. It takes double the courage to visit those trying times. Thank you so much for writing this. Sending you the warmest hugs. Our vulnerabilities, when we accept them, make us strong. ❤️
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Punam, it’s still difficult to wrap my head around a person who says they love you but simultaneously intentionally act to harm.
Thank you for your prompt or this wouldn’t have been written. Thank you for the hugs <3
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I hear you, Li.
I am glad the prompt was a catalyst. Some hurts need to be aired to make us feel free-ier. You are always welcome. ❤️
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Lisa this is such a moving and brave poem, you don’t shy away from pain, but chart a powerful path from suffering to planning, escape, and living again. It stands with other survivor voices, where sharing is both cathartic and transformative thank you for sharing❤️
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Ange, I very much appreciate your view. Yes, “cathartic and transformative.” It is also a plea to others who might find themselves in such a place that they might consider a possibility of another way of living <3
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🩷👌I hope it really does Lisa
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Lisa no woman should have to suffer such brutality. So sorry that was you and I appreciate you sharing. Unfortunately as you commented not new and I have someone close with a similar experience. The word I use for someone coming through that is champion.
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Randy, I like that word, champion. You make me think of a long distance runner who trains, develops resolve, and tests themselves. Thank you <3
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You go girl.
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Lisa, thank you for sharing your pain and your bravery for believing in a new life for yourself.
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The voice that came to me and said get out or you won’t survive was from god or one of god’s agents.
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Thank God.
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Thank you, Lisa for sharing this personal and raw experience in your life. It is very sad to realize this happens and is happening around us. Run, Run, Run… Yes, you are right. Glad you got out of that situation.
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Dwight, you are welcome.
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To leave to live… the only thing you should have done it earlier. Great write.
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Thanks so much, Bjorn.
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I hate this happened to you. Hate. I appreciate how you were able to describe it, almost re-live it. You are strong, you are invincible, you are Woman!!!! This happened to my precious granddaughter, much as you described your nightmare. Hers lasted seven years …. she escaped, as women must, or risk being erased. Brava, Lisa.
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Helen, I can only imagine your anguish watching your granddaughter go through it. It’s my worst fear for my granddaughter. Thank you for your comment <3
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I’m so glad you did. And saved your children too.
It is too often invisible. Psychological damage is as real as physical damage. Thank you for maybe giving someone else the courage to stand up for themselves. (K)
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<3 He did his best to alienate me from my kids, but as they tried to extricate themselves and become independent from him they began to understand. I thank my lucky angels for their support.
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❤️
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I think I might have accidentally responded to someone else’s comment.😬
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Stay strong
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Thank you, Protyus.
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