photo of Janet Periat by Robert Barbutti
Read in the January 2020 issue of Funny Times and too important to not share.
Glossary for a New Political Age
by Janet Periat
WARNING: This glossary may be offensive to everyone.
The definition and meaning of our modern vocabulary shifts on a moment-by-moment basis. For your information and clarification, please find my updates below.
ARMAGEDDON: A happy little place where rainbows light the sky, beautiful flowers grow in gorgeous meadows, and humanity dances about in continual celebration.
CLIMATE CHANGE: An outrageous lie conjured by the crazy “libtards” to stop the globally-beneficial and morally-righteous petroleum companies from making a profit.
CONSEQUENCES: A phenomenon experienced by the poor that provides corrective measures to counter malicious behavior, typically administered by government law enforcement agencies. America’s wealthy are exonerated from all consequences of their negative actions: “We don’t have consequences, we have lawyers.” See Justice and Laws.
COVFEFE: A heinously diabolical torture utilizing misinformation and lies deployed against politicians by the fake press of America. See Fake News.
EARTH: A resource to be plundered until it’s valueless, uninhabitable, and lifeless.
FAKE NEWS: Any news that contradicts the Real Truth. See Real Truth.
FETUS: The highest-valued group of human cells on Earth; infinitely more valued than a human being, especially if the human is gestating the fetus.
GASLIGHTING: The wealthy’s method of keeping the poor informed.
HEALTHCARE: 1) a Ponzi scheme designed to America’s health and drug companies to defraud the sick: “We don’t want to cure you, we want to keep you ill and dependent on our drugs for your entire life.” 2) the number one source of bankruptcy in America. 3) a luxury for the rich. 4) a dream for the poor. 5) a nightmare for the majority.
IMMIGRANTS: Evil menaces from strange countries with funny accents who eat weird food and illegally trespass into America to steal all the low-paying, vegetable-picking jobs from the hard-working, native-born Americans.
IRS: A government office which extracts money from the poor and gives to the rich. See Taxes.
JUSTICE: A legal system wherein the wealthy can purchase their way out of any penalty. See Laws and Consequences.
LAWS: 1) rules written by the rich applied to the poor but not the rich. 2) rules that become legal for the rich if broken enough by the rich, but not by the poor. See Justice and Consequences.
LITERALLY: Virtually. Literally no longer means “in a literal sense or manner.” There is no word for the original meaning of “Literally.” The idiots destroyed it.
MARS: The future home of Earth’s wealthy.
MONEY: 1) a substance which creates reality and truth. 2) the original sources of goodness and morality in the universe. 3) a material which cleanses a person of guilt.
PENIS: 1) the single most important human organ. 2) a human organ which creates superior intelligence and extreme value in its owner. 3) the source of all power, goodness, and truth in the universe. 4) the human organ which requires photographing and sending to every female on the Internet so the wanton Jezebels can behold its glorious majesty. See Stable Genius.
PIGMENT: 1) the natural coloring matter of plant or animal tissue which is value-neutral except when applied to humanity. 2) an indicator of value morality, and intelligence in a human being: lighter tones denote a higher worth, IQ, and stronger ethics and values; darker tones indicate lesser value, and a higher degree of stupidity and immorality.
POLITICIANS: Human-like puppets designed by the rich, for the rich, and of the rich to defraud the poor.
REAL TRUTH: The truth acquired by the government by spinning the Wheel of Truth. See Fake News.
STABLE GENIUS: The most intelligent, most stable human being on the planet. Possessing great and unmatched wisdom, he is great-looking and smart – and beautiful because he’s very rich – but endures negative press covfefe (See Confefe.) He has more money and more brains, better houses and apartments, and nicer boats, yet doesn’t have to brag about his extreme wealth. He’s accomplished more in the shortest amount of time than any other person, and he wins polls more than anyone’s ever won a poll. The stable genius would give himself an A+ at life. While smart because he doesn’t pay taxes, the stable genius knows nothing about the inner workings of Russia. He has a bigger and more powerful nuclear button than North Korea, and wouldn’t lose a penny even if the world went to Hell in a hand-basket. However, he has no smocking (sic) gun, and has never colluded. With anyone. About anything. Possessing a tremendous respect for women, the stable genius moves on married women like a bitch, and – even though he’s personally over 70 years old – would never date a woman over 35, but would love to date his daughter. The stable genius is definitely not a schmuck. And he’s never been one. Ever. Trust me. See Penis.
TAXES: A penalty on the poor. The wealthy are exempt from this penalty: “We don’t pay taxes, we pay lawyers.” See IRS.
TWITTER: A service broadcasting the id of the President of the United States.
UTERUS: 1) a human organ which is the source of all mental illness, stupidity, and depravity in the universe. 2) a human organ which creates a marked valuelessness, a lack of intelligence, and a high degree of irresponsibility in its owners. 3) a human organ which has required an out5rageous degree of legislation and government intervention to control its usage due to the reckless, immoral, and malicious behavior of its worthless owners.
I hope this handy guide has helped clarify reality for you. No worries: Armageddon is in our near future and I, personally, can’t wait for the eternal explosion of happiness and joy.