It took Princess Jill years on her quest to find a crone who had magic beans that could grow a stalk up to the predatory giant ogre’s, Hairy Vineswine’s, castle in the sky. She was going to go home to her kingdom for a farewell visit before planting the beans, but time was a-wasting. The ugly goon needed to be taken out before another blustery denial spewed forth from his fetid innards, and he was just stupid? Arrogant? Enough to victimize someone else just before standing trial for his other alleged offenses. The sooner he was gone the better.
Princess Jill was near the Yellow Mountains when she tossed the silvery glowing beans. Most people think magic beans grow best in the ground, but the fact is mountains are the best place to plant them. The beanstalk’s mighty roots wrap themselves around the granite and weave in and out of the caves to make them sturdy. Jill was amazed that the stalks were a good six feet in circumference and braided themselves together to make convenient footholds. Craning her neck, the stalk was lost in the mist about a hundred feet up.
It took Jill four hours to climb the four-mile-high beanstalk, including resting for fifteen minutes after each mile. She’d climbed beyond the mist, and the Wolf Moon was high in the sky for the last leg of it. There, in crumbled granite and limestone was the ogre’s castle, glowing with the moon’s silver. As Jill walked nearer, she saw that most of the castle was in ruins. Climbing under one of the worn ruined walls, inside she saw Lady Luna had laid out a silver pathway to follow to the darkness that needed to be destroyed.
Unsheathing her blade, Jill followed the shining pathway until she heard an enormous trumpeting sound. Moving into the shadows, she drew closer. She discovered that the scraping trumpeting was coming from the ogre himself, deep asleep on a moss-covered fieldstone bed. This lazy giant ogre, Hairy Vineswine, depended on raw fear and enormous size to paralyze then slaver over his many victims. He seemed more like a buffoon than a dangerous monster as he snorted with his ear-scraping snores.
Jill quickly put a giant ogre-sized dose of roofi in the half-empty wine glass nearby. She then set to work preparing her restraints for the beast. As she suspected he would do, the ogre stirred in his sleep long enough to grab the wine glass and drain it before easing back down on the moss.
Jill soon had Hairy Vineswine secured every which way with leather straps, ropes, and chains. As the beast snored and slobbered, Jill began slicing on his tender parts, which caused Hairy to stir and yell. She sliced faster. By the time he was fully awake, the offending member had been separated from its subject. Jill pulled the deadly poison-filled syringe from her pack and climbed to the right artery and injected it. She laughed grimly as Hairy Vineswine jerked like a marionette on PCP. Her job was done except for one thing. She snapped a selfie of herself beside the bloody severed member.
It was time for Jill to go home.
Read more about the ogre here.
Sadje is the host of What Do You See?
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