dverse · haibun

d verse monday — haibun on waiting

clouds to heaven

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Imelda is hosting at dverse tonight. Her prompts are waiting and the form haibun. This is the second try for me on haibun and it’s probably the most challenging form I’ve done yet.  I’m very interested in any critiques on this.  It would be appreciated as I want to get better, especially at the more challenging forms.

 

One is tending her garden and greeting the many visitors who come to sit around the table to drink coffee and play cards. One is running and jumping with Chester and the others.

I see them now, there

Grandma smiles, Chaun runs to me

We’re dead, love alive

Update:  I’ve tweaked it a bit after the welcomed feedback on it.

Grandma tended her garden and greeted many visitors who came to sit around the table to drink coffee and play cards. They played poker, pinochle, and my favorite, cribbage. The percolator was always on. In the evening, after the relatives/visitors left, sometimes grandma played cribbage with my cousin and I, who practically lived with our grandparents as kids.

Chauncey ran and jumped with Chester every Sunday. A Boston Terrier, he came to me as a puppy in 2004, the year the Detroit Pistons won the NBA championship, after both of my sons moved out within months of each other. In 2007, my boyfriend’s brother got a Great Dane/Black Lab puppy and named him Chester. Before long Chester towered over Chauncey, but they remained best buddies. Chauncey was a bright spot in many lives, especially mine.

I see them now, there

Grandma smiles, Chaun runs to me

We’re dead, love alive

 

23 thoughts on “d verse monday — haibun on waiting

    1. Thank you for your comments. I wasn’t sure how much to say about “the ones” without giving away the “twist” at the end. Also I wasn’t sure how long the prose part was supposed to be. Is 1-3 sentences or paragraphs? The ones are the loved ones in heaven I’m waiting to see. One is my grandma and one is my dog.

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  1. I am no expert but I see it as a journal entry. writing non fictional account is the foundation and the haiku wraps up the thoughts with a seasonal reference. you have expressed some deep emotions in your writing but I had some trouble figuring out who you were referring to. 2 to 3 paragraphs should suffice, it must not be too elaborate or descriptive, the words do the explaining of the events taking place, the paragraphs though short and concise flow into each other. this is a very good start and we all get better at this as we write more. It is my favourite form, though I am not sure that I get it right either! i struggled a lot at first but kept on reading the other writers and now really like this form. Just Keep on writing! in hope my comment was useful!

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      1. you are welcome, I apologise if i went on a bit there..LOL. revisiting a piece of writing with fresh eyes is the grit of a good writer, I imagine after you have read a few more haibun you will tweak this to something you will really like, that is the best standard for all writing, our feelings we are happy to have expressed and shared. you have such amazing energy!

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  2. The revised version paints life vividly. Your grandma seemed to be such a sweet person and the moments with her seemed so special. She and the beautiful moments may be gone but love obviously keep their memories alive. 😀

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  3. So glad you tweaked, because I love knowing more about your loved ones and now I can be with you in the garden – a moment of happiness I’d be loath to have missed! I took my haiban to my critique group this morning and came home and did the same. I find feedback is so amazingly helpful.

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    1. Christine, very happy you enjoyed this beloved remembrance. Yes, the feedback was most helpful. It didn’t look right or feel right and the feedback convinced me to tweak. It looks and feels better but this form needs more practice for me. Thank you for your thoughts.

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