Imelda is hosting at dverse tonight. Her prompts are waiting and the form haibun. This is the second try for me on haibun and it’s probably the most challenging form I’ve done yet. I’m very interested in any critiques on this. It would be appreciated as I want to get better, especially at the more challenging forms.
One is tending her garden and greeting the many visitors who come to sit around the table to drink coffee and play cards. One is running and jumping with Chester and the others.
I see them now, there
Grandma smiles, Chaun runs to me
We’re dead, love alive
Update: I’ve tweaked it a bit after the welcomed feedback on it.
Grandma tended her garden and greeted many visitors who came to sit around the table to drink coffee and play cards. They played poker, pinochle, and my favorite, cribbage. The percolator was always on. In the evening, after the relatives/visitors left, sometimes grandma played cribbage with my cousin and I, who practically lived with our grandparents as kids.
Chauncey ran and jumped with Chester every Sunday. A Boston Terrier, he came to me as a puppy in 2004, the year the Detroit Pistons won the NBA championship, after both of my sons moved out within months of each other. In 2007, my boyfriend’s brother got a Great Dane/Black Lab puppy and named him Chester. Before long Chester towered over Chauncey, but they remained best buddies. Chauncey was a bright spot in many lives, especially mine.
I see them now, there
Grandma smiles, Chaun runs to me
We’re dead, love alive
Tao Talk 
Interesting for sure, though who “One” is a bit baffling. There is whimsey and warmth in the words.
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Thank you for your comments. I wasn’t sure how much to say about “the ones” without giving away the “twist” at the end. Also I wasn’t sure how long the prose part was supposed to be. Is 1-3 sentences or paragraphs? The ones are the loved ones in heaven I’m waiting to see. One is my grandma and one is my dog.
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Nice last four words in the haiku. I don’t know much about haibun to critique it, but the last four words leaf me something memorable and that’s all a poem can hope to do for a reader.
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thank you very much
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So much love for this piece. I find it so soothing.
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thank you, they are soothing memories <3
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I am no expert but I see it as a journal entry. writing non fictional account is the foundation and the haiku wraps up the thoughts with a seasonal reference. you have expressed some deep emotions in your writing but I had some trouble figuring out who you were referring to. 2 to 3 paragraphs should suffice, it must not be too elaborate or descriptive, the words do the explaining of the events taking place, the paragraphs though short and concise flow into each other. this is a very good start and we all get better at this as we write more. It is my favourite form, though I am not sure that I get it right either! i struggled a lot at first but kept on reading the other writers and now really like this form. Just Keep on writing! in hope my comment was useful!
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Gina thank you very much for your comments, very appreciated. It felt constrained as I wrote it. Next time will expand the prose section or maybe tweak this one and try and make it better.
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you are welcome, I apologise if i went on a bit there..LOL. revisiting a piece of writing with fresh eyes is the grit of a good writer, I imagine after you have read a few more haibun you will tweak this to something you will really like, that is the best standard for all writing, our feelings we are happy to have expressed and shared. you have such amazing energy!
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Thank you again! :)
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Very nice! Love between grandma and grandson is always alive and well!!
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thank you. these two in heaven are my grandma and my dog, Chauncey, who passed away a couple of years ago. i’m waiting to see them both again when i get to heaven <3
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There is a notable presence of the dead in any family gathering, I feel. Nicely done.
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Thank you, VJ
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You’re welcome.
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The revised version paints life vividly. Your grandma seemed to be such a sweet person and the moments with her seemed so special. She and the beautiful moments may be gone but love obviously keep their memories alive. 😀
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Thank you, Imelda. I believe her and Chauncey are waiting for me on the other side and enjoying their lives on the other side until then.
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So glad you tweaked, because I love knowing more about your loved ones and now I can be with you in the garden – a moment of happiness I’d be loath to have missed! I took my haiban to my critique group this morning and came home and did the same. I find feedback is so amazingly helpful.
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Christine, very happy you enjoyed this beloved remembrance. Yes, the feedback was most helpful. It didn’t look right or feel right and the feedback convinced me to tweak. It looks and feels better but this form needs more practice for me. Thank you for your thoughts.
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I so love the revised version… some details are so vivid… ” the year the Detroit Pistons won the NBA championship…” to me is exactly how a story should be told (even if it means less to me, it tells me other things about you…)
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Thank you, Bjorn. It’s better than it was. I’m starting to see dverse is a place like the name says, a pub where those gathered get to know each other. Cheers!
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I am late to get around reading the haibuns Jade, but I really like what you’ve written!
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Thanks Rob, glad you like it!
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