dverse · poetry · sonnet · Uncategorized

Village Pastoral — revision 2 of 1

coal town

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Village Pastoral

*

Here is the latest revision, using enjambment:

*

Each morn, sun’s rise, she passes a dog, long dead,

bloated, rotting roadside; its sick stench,

maggot’s perfume, cause ripe wretching and swoon.

She prays for rain to wash it all away.

*
Town’s well; wives talk, pails rise, smiles fall, eyes slip

to blued finger dots down Ruth’s pale thin arm.

Sunrise stumbles down mud encrusted streets

while eggs and pork sizzle in a cast iron pan.

*
Water, boiled with ash, dries the croup — and tears that

climbed the hill with six still, pine boxes; she knows

he dreams while blasting seams, of sons to carry

on; his grimed face at day’s end holds tired hope.

*
We sailed from hell, starved, full of sin, but glad

Sunday reminds us, stained souls, contrite, are cleaned.

++++++++++++++++++++++

This was before adding enjambment:

Coming, going each morn, each afternoon

Dead dog, rancid, bloated on the roadside

Sick stench, like rosebud’s perfume, makes me swoon.

Praying for rain, float on, unwelcome hide

*

Courtyard’s well, where villagers’ buckets meet

Counting bruises on Mrs. Leary’s arms

Sunrise stumbles down mud encrusted streets

Fried eggs, bacon grease, tea, good wife’s best charms

*

Boiled water and lye keep the croup at bay

Six still, pine boxes upon Chapel Hill

Grimy from the mines, washes smudge away

Please give us a son, finds strength to thrust still

*

Our journey from hell to new hills of green

Sunday service reminds, souls are made clean

 

61 thoughts on “Village Pastoral — revision 2 of 1

  1. Lona, your feedback makes me feel better about them in that there is a hope that the feelings were expressed clearly enough to be understood. Your articulating ability is appreciated very much! Thank you for your time in looking at them ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m finding it hard to comment on the form, because the content is so powerful. I think that both pieces are strong – and very moving. I didn’t need more explanation – a poem isn’t necessarily a complete story, for me, sometimes it can be a series of images to be pieced together. I thought the volta was strong enough in the first piece, and I liked the full rhyme there. In the second piece the rhyme wasn’t quite strong enough, and I felt it drifted a little bit too far from the form. I’m not sure that matters, in some ways, because it’s such an evocative piece in its own right.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. A complex, deep poem for sure – yet I believe I ‘got’ it and that it needs no further explanation. I like both versions; perhaps yet another rewrite with the best features of each would be better still? Enjambment is not a requirement, it was a suggested in order to get away from too much of a ‘sing-song’ effect; but enjambment too can be forced (just as rhyming can) to the detriment of a poem.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Rosemary, I very much appreciate your feedback. I haven’t looked at them since the revision, but I may try to synthesize them and see what happens. Again, thank you 🙂

    Like

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